walking down the hall to get a soda - luckily no one much is in the office today and there isn't anyone in the hallway to see me - i get myself to the break room - empty - there are napkins to get the tears off my face - i had been picturing the indescribable blue of the water surrounding the Greek Isles - i've always wanted to see that water - could it possibly be the color that it is in the pictures? - will i see it? - bucket list - not what to do before i kick the bucket but what to do before i get so crippled that i can't kick a bucket or walk or - i'm angry i'm sad i'm hopeless for that moment

then i get a grape soda and it's better - there is grape soda in the machine - i love grape soda

there are reminders that it's probably real - that the dr won't be wrong - reminders beyond the almost constant tremor - oh and when did it change so that i notice when it isn't tremoring rather than when it is? - reminders like i can't type much anymore - can't knit - i gesture only on the right side - i find my hand in these odd positions - i get it back to normal with the other hand - right now i'm typing - about half speed from before and very intentionally - i have to watch my hands again - like i did when i first learned to type - watch each finger hit the keys - make sure they are doing what i ask - my hand flutters on the keys sliding across the keys and off - i watch my hand, just my left hand and make sure it is doing what i ask it to do

can this really be real?

a new medicine this weekend - let's hope to God it isn't like the last one